Vida de La Diva . . . loca, loca!

It has been a crazy busy wonderful summer! And it just keeps getting better. Well, I don't know that to be true. . . the cumulative goodness is amazing, but each individual event is uniquely deliciously wonderful! I have had the privilege and blessing of meeting some of the most awesome people this summer and spending time doing the most amazing things. I have taken pictures almost every day to help me capture some of the yummy I have experienced this summer. I have shared most of those pictures along the way and will do a brief recap at the end of the summer.

Right now I am unpacking from my most recent trip. A weekend long YogaFit workshop about three hours from my house. We stayed in a hotel over the weekend, and it is a good thing we did! Workshops ran from 8 a.m. - 6 p.m. Sat. and Sun. I was exhausted after Saturdays session and starving! I rushed back to the hotel to meet up with my hubby and walked the five blocks to the restaurant!


YogaFit workshop instructors, Shannon and Macy! Super sweet gals! They lead us through the most amazing yoga flows! Loved it!

For dinner, hubby and I went to the same restaurant that we had gone to on Friday night, because they serve the freshest, healthiest foods! All locally grown and raised, prepared fresh and delicious!

We ate out on the sidewalk patio area to enjoy the college town atmosphere and fresh air. But, the inside of the restaurant was so homey and lovely!




Saturday night was my pescatarian night. For those of you who don't know what that means, pescatarians are basically vegetarians who eat eggs, fish and dairy. I am not currently doing any dairy during the summer. In June I changed to a pescatarian diet while doing two weeks of hot yoga in Michigan. I have been following what my body needs on any given day and honoring what it needs. While in Virginia, I switched to be more raw vegan two - three days in a row and then have fish and eggs on the third day. I have not made any hard and fast rules about what I will eat or will not eat. As long as it is clean, whole, unprocessed foods, they are fair game. However, at this time this is what my body wants and I am feeling marvelous.


Delicious! The cucumber salad had a fresh habanero sauce on it! I think the salmon fillet had a jerk rub on it and the rice had coconut in it. Yummers!


Sweet potato fries w/mango ketchup! This was our appetizer while we waited for dinner to be prepared.

I am currently in the process of unpacking my car, washing my laundry and repacking a suitcase for my next adventure! I am heading to the San Francisco area of California for a couple days! My hubby is out there on business and I get to go out to spend some time with him and to meet a couple more of my spark buddies! I am so excited!!! So much to see and do and such little time to do it all in!

The day after I get back from California, I am speaking at the university about clean eating! Such a hoot! When I was younger I was such a chatter box (still am) and even got dubbed Chatty Cathy at one point. . . . people would have paid me to please shut up! And now, I am getting paid to speak! LOL!!! Life is good!

I have so many things coming up in the next couple months!

Aug. 1 return to work part time
Aug. 13 is my duatholon - run .6/ ride 15/ run 3.1
End of Sept. - vacation to Hilton Head, SC
Oct. - teach an all day workshop (yoga/clean eating/boot camp workout)
Nov. - visit a friend in Seattle Wash. and cheer her on in her quest for her dream!

Oh, and somewhere in there I need to do my 8 hrs. of community service for my yogafit certification. I will be sharing yoga with people who would otherwise not be able to afford classes. I have not yet decided where or when or to whom I will be sharing that with. Maybe a womens shelter, the YMCA or right here in town through the Helping Hand Ministry. Here is all I do know, when I am willing and the timing is right, God will open the doors to where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing.

Be brave, be bold, be fierce and be fabulous! Be YOU!!! You are already amazing!

Dance with the One Who Brung Ya!

In general woman are fickle and easily persuaded by public opinion. Oh, I know that is a huge stereotype that we would like to refute . . . but, there is a lot of truth to it. If it were not true, diet companies would not have celebrity spokes people to promote their plans. If it were not true, we would not be drawn to every magazine cover that says "Drop a dress size in 8 days!" Or "Eat whatever you want and lose weight!" We are prone to quick fixes and pie in the sky dreams.

How many 'weight loss plans' have you been on for a week or two or even a month or two, where you started feeling good and seeing some differences . . . until you 'fell off the wagon' and then you looked around for a different wagon to jump on. Hey, wait, what was wrong with the wagon you were on? So, you got bumped off? It was a totally good wagon up until that point.

When I first started clean eating I felt marvelous from the get go. My blood pressure started coming down, my energy coming up, inches were melting away and my confidence was increasing daily. Then I hit a little blip and made some not wise choices. All the sudden I started questioning my ability to make good choices for myself. I felt desperate that I would never again make a good choice and that my ability to succeed would always be out of my reach if I did not find another plan to help me stay on track. Then a friend reminded me, hey, what you have been doing has been working great for you, why find another plan? Just go back to working the plan you were on!

Sometimes in life we hit rough waters and it takes all we have to row our own boats. When the storms of life hit and and knock out your oars or you lose the strength to paddle, either put more people in the boat to help row or ask some of your friends to help fill your sails for a while. You can't jump out of the boat every time the waters get rough! Row baby row! And if you need to, ask for a tow to shore.

Oh, boats, wagons, bumps, rough waters . . . so many analogies. The bottom line is it's not always the plan that needs to be changed, sometimes we just need to work the plan that we have. For me, the music I dance to is clean eating (clean source whole foods). I tweak what my plate looks like and from what part of the food chain I get my nutrition, but it is always clean, healthy, whole foods.

Recently, while traveling I switched my clean eating to look more like raw vegan three days in a row, then a day of pescatarian (eggs, fish), and then back to raw vegan for three days. This worked very well for me. The reasons I did this were two fold. One, I needed to eat lighter on the days I did hot yoga. Before class I wanted to be careful what I ate, after class I felt so good, I didn't want to defile my body in any way. The second reason was, while traveling I would often pack a lunch cooler for the whole day and be out biking, hiking, visiting, etc. I did not want to worry about dairy, meat or eggs spoiling in my lunch box. If fruits, nuts, veggies, berries and seeds get warm, they are still good to eat. The result of switching my diet was that I lost 6 lbs. in 18 days. I was also hiking, biking, etc. on most of those days. In the past six weeks I have lost 8 lbs and feel marvelous!

This girl will be twirling and dancing with the clean eating lifestyle forever! This is the way I want to feel for the rest of my life. Oh, hey, they are playing my song! Gotta go!


20 Tricep Dips at each rest stop and gas station on the way home from VA.


20 Incline Push Ups at each rest stop and gas station


20 Step Ups at each rest stop . . . no step at gas stations


Comfy dress for traveling and twirling!

I Think We Need a Bigger Flashlight

I've caught a little flack over the years for speaking out about domestic violence and mental health issues. I truly believe that it is in secrecy and isolation that these things are allowed to grow to astronomical proportions and affect generations far into the future.

Dealing with mental health issues, is difficult for the person suffering with the diagnosis and the family and friends who love and try to support them. Many mental health issues are chemical imbalances in the brain, that prohibit the 'proper' development and interpretation of thoughts. I believe there is a huge societal stigma against people who struggle with mental health issues. Once you have that diagnosis, it is hard to even get a doctor to look at a health issue without taking the mental health component into account. It was very frustrating to me years ago when I struggled with some post traumatic stress issues following a car accident and had problems with anxiety attacks. Once It was diagnosed as an anxiety attack and I was put on medication, I felt so much better and could cope a lot easier, however, every time I went to the doctor for anything they chalked it up to an anxiety issue.

If I had diabetes and needed medication, there would not be a stigma, guilt or shame attached to that.

My oldest son has chronic kidney failure and had a transplant when he was 16, he will be on medications for the rest of his life. Some of those meds cause some nerve damage and loss of some fine motor skills.

Many women have hormone imbalances and take various forms of hormone replacement therapy to keep them in balance.

When things are kept in secret, like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, post traumatic stress syndrome, feelings of isolation, deprivation, guilt and shame abound. The chemical imbalance can be treated, when a light is cast on it and the patient is willing to seek care. The feelings of isolation come from thinking you are the only one and that no one could possibly understand what you are going through.

If you are struggling with a chemical imbalance that is leaving you feeling isolated, depressed, anxious, etc. . . . simply know that it does not make you weak, a bad person, unlovable or in any way evil. There is not guilt or shame. There is help for you and in helping yourself, you are showing compassion to those who love you.

I'm standing with a big flashlight saying come out into the light, you do not have to live in bondage. You are free to be who you were created to be, you are worthy of love and happiness.

He Loves Me, He Love Me Not

Certainly you remember this from your childhood days!

Throughout my life I have always known that my dad love me. I could feel his love when I was younger. He would take me fishing and hunting with him. He taught me everything I know about skating, swimming, basketball, baseball, and every childhood game you can think of. I learned knife safety and gun safety. I learned to shoot a bow and was vice president of the archery club in high school.

As I grew older the love I felt from my father changed, I guess in someways a father has trouble expressing appropriate feelings for a girl as she goes through physical changes and hormonal changes. But, my dads chemistry was changing too. My dad was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic when I was in high school.

Through the years he had been aggressive and verbally abusive to my mother and I had stepped in the middle many times. My dad has a very deep bias against women. In his mind women are all liars, cheaters and whores. When you have a bias that deep, your mind is not looking for information that refutes that bias, but seeking information to supports it. There is a saying that goes "A mind changed against it's will is of the same persuasion still". So, no amount of good doing and righteous living would change that bias. Believe me I tried to be the good girl. To the point of being considered a prude by most of my classmates. Funny, teased for being a prude and a virgin at school and berated at home for being a lying whore.

When a couple of the guys on my bus caught wind of the fact that my father was so strict and that I was so prudish, they decided to make a little sport out of it. So, they took turns calling my house and telling my father that I was skipping classes and having sex with various guys in the bushes at school. No amount of me assuring my father that these allegation were untrue seemed to soothe his anger. I could not reason with him that there is no way I could be skipping classes without there being a record of it. I was in every class. I rode the bus to school and home from school. . . there was no place, no time and there was nothing happening. So, I was getting picked on at school, harassed on the bus, and my father was berating me at home about being a 'lying whore'. I do not remember how long the calls and berating went on, but it seemed like forever.

This singular event really marked me in some not so good ways. I remember the boys names, their words and their threats. I also remember the feeling that it just was not safe or happy to be a girl.

This past week, visiting in Virginia, my father was particularly agitated.  He has been watching the Casey Anthony trail non stop. This has just fed his anger and distrust for women. Each day I could sense his agitation growing and his speech becoming more venomous.

On Friday, I planned to spend four - five hours with my mother on her day off cooking and chatting, looking through clean eating recipes, etc. Dad was at the house, and was agitated. One tiraid after another. First on 'christians', then on 'whoring', then on the protective instincts of parents. When he said to me "You know if someone came up here making accusations about you, I would have to take them down". I just couldn't let it go this time. I have nodded my head in appeasement too many times. I have said "I know you love me, dad", when at times his actions are not very loving and have hurt me deeply. I cannot shove down feelings anymore. Feelings that are shoved down just pop up somewhere else in unattractive and destructive ways. I was not angry with him, I just could not agree with him. So, I said "Actually, when others made accusations about me, you believed them and I got punished, repeatedly". He had no memory of the event or any other event and denied it had ever happen. Which is fine. I really did not need him to remember or apologize. I had forgiven him and myself two years ago when I started this journey towards health.

He pressed me for details and I gave him specific names and details of the phone calls and the pursuant interrogations, allegations and threats I received from him for days. He called me a liar and said I had dreamed these things up. Then he kept calling me a liar and added, "Carolyn, you are lying LIKE that whore Casey Anthony". I am used to this type of comparison and taking on the punishment he believes to be due to some other woman, in his mind we are all equal. One deserves to be burned at the stake, they all do.

Here is what my heart hears:
Carolyn = liar
Carolyn = whore
Carolyn = Casey Anthony

My father has put me on the scales of justice and found me guilty on all charges. There is nothing I could say or do that would change his mind. When he made that statement, all the alarms in my head went off that said I was in danger and it was time to leave. I immediately left. A few old wounds opened and oozing as I got into my car. I drove to my in laws, went straight to bed, curled in a fetal position and pulled the covers up over me.

I need to be comforted. I need to feel safe. I called my hubby. No answer. I got on line to see if he was on chat. No. But my son was, I hate to dump on my kids. Tim is very mature and loving. I didn't go into the facts, I just told him I was hurting and needed some love. He was very sweet and compassionate. I reached out to my best friend, Chuck. He helped calm me down and I was able to cry and take a little nap and felt much better . . . though still shaken.

My mother called me to make sure I wasn't binging and that I was okay. I assured her that he does not have the power to define me or limit me in any way anymore. I am the daughter of the King Most High, my value and my worth are far more than a few negative words can take away.

I am not angry with my dad. I am hurt. I do realize that my dad loves me, but his love cannot protect me from the destruction of mental state that says attack and destroy. That instinct in him is too deeply seeded and with nothing to balance it or counter it, I cannot allow it in my life.

Does he love me . . . yes.
Does he understand that loving someone does not mean possessing, oppressing, controlling, bullying and otherwise degrading . . . God, I hope not. I have to believe he is unable to understand that . . . otherwise his attacks are intentional, to purposely destroy and that is not love.

2 Cor. 4:8
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.

Full Throttle

On July 4th I ran a 5k with my hubby. I did not have on my garmin and had no way of know my pace . . . I was going with feel and flow. At the first mile marker, someone called out my time. Wow! I'm a minute and a half faster than my usual race pace. But the first mile is the easiest part of this course. At the second mile marker, after climbing a steady grade hill that leaves many walking, I hear my two mile time . . . lost 30 seconds over the first mile time, but still respectable! But I know this course. I know the beast that is the last mile! It is a series of three hills that consistently increase in grade.

I was able to run, even up the hills and tried my very best to sprint in the finish. I felt like I was going to puke! I don't know if it was the heat, the humidity, the pace or the course . . . but I was trying very hard to not toss my breakfast! I had a sense of elation that I had just done a personal best on the hardest 5k course I have ever ran!!! We hung around for the awards ceremony because we thought I had a good chance of placing in my age group.

They call the third place winner, but do not give her time. They call the second place winner and again do not give her time. My hopes are dashed, I know I'm not a first place runner. They call the first place winner and her time was only one minute faster than mine! For a moment I think there must be a mistake! Certainly four of us in the same age group didn't come in within a minute of each other! Could we?

For a moment I retrace the entire course in my head. I was very pleased that there was not one place on that course that I felt I could have ran it any better than I did. I ran my best race, I laid it all out that I had to give on that day. I walked away without a trophy, but with a huge smile on my face . . . I was within 1 minute of the winner! And I ran my very best race! No regrets!


Hubby and I before the race!


Sweaty, stinky girl trying not to squint into the sun!

Live life full throttle, with not regrets!

It is My Gift

I have been so tremendously blessed. Each day is so full of possibilities and am in a position where I am happy and healthy enough to fully enjoy each moment of it!!!!! I do believe that where I have been (overweight, unhealthy and depressed) was very necessary so that I could fully appreciate the sweet value of how amazing good healthy and happiness feel. It also keeps me from being lazy! I vary actively pursue the lifestyle I would like to continue to enjoy for a looooong time! Every day I give myself the gift of exercise and active moment. My body needs it! Our bodies were created for movement. I have had people remark about my good posture. I am blessed to have a very healthy strong back. My mother was not so lucky, neither was my grandmother. My mother had back surgery when I was in elementary school. I remember that during her healing process we would 'play a game' of walking with a book on top of our heads. As we progressed we would be able to sit down into a chair without dropping the book off our heads. Then we could bend down to pick something up off the floor without dropping the book. Eventually we could go from a standing position to sitting on the floor and getting back up without dropping the book. I have always been very flexible in my spine as well and could do things like back bends. I lost some of that flexibility in my 20's and 30's because I stopped working on it during those years. Now I am working to regain as much spinal flexibility as possible . . . I have lost some in my lower spine due to arthritis. This is what I know, the condition of our spines is pivotal to our overall quality of health and life. The nature of how the spine is to compressed and degenerate over time. I believe it is my job to actively reclaim and maintain as much spinal flexibility and strength as possible. If I do not take responsibility for this, someone I love will have to responsible for caring for me when I can no longer bend to tie my shoes or straighten up completely. I have also learned to own every inch of my height. I am just a little taller than average for women. However, my husband and sons are shorter than me by a couple inches. At 5'8"+ I find that a lot of my women friends are more than a couple inches shorter than me. When I was obese I felt like a lumbering giant and felt that I needed to apologize for how much space I took up in the universe. After I lost the weight I noticed that in pictures I would lean down to the side to try to match my eye level to others. This was not attractive at all and was very uncomfortable on my upper back. Now I stand up tall, own every inch and enjoy the feeling of having a strong healthy spine and beautiful friends to be active with! The health that I am enjoying a gift to me. I workout hard, I eat clean and nutritious foods, I enjoy a little sunshine and a little rest every day. One of my major motivators is, I'm not getting younger. I want to look back on these years as my best years . . . not when I was in high school, not in my 20's or 30's. From here forward. So far my 40's are fabulous! I want to be an active and healthy 50 year old and 60 year old. I can't be, if I don't invest now. At 45, the clock starts moving in a not so good direction if I am not actively working to regain and maintain as much mobility and strength as possible. These are not the years to be self indulgent and to feel like you can just lay back and coast into your 'golden years'. This is the time to realize WE are NO LONGER kids! We can't get away with eating like a teenager. Our metabolisms are not as forgiving. Obesity and lethargy are reeking havoc on the bodies of people who are my age and just a little older than me. This healthy strong body is mine and I will work for the quality of life I desire to enjoy. Oh, let's look at a few pictures so I can wrap up this blog and let you get on with your active busy life!!! My hubby flew in from a business trip in California to spend a couple days with me in Virginia! This is our favorite restaurant and the day was just gorgeous!!!! The gal on the left (Lisa) has lost 120 lbs! She had gastric bypass and said she would do it again, even knowing all she knows now about how sick she got and that she has trouble regulating her blood pressure, lost her hair and feels weak and tired most days. The gal on the right is my bestest girlfriend! We have been buddies since the sixth grade! On July 4th, hubby and I got up early to run a 5k together! It was a hot, humid morning and this course if tough!!!! The last mile is up hill, to an up hill, to another up hill towards the finish. My pace was amazing in the first mile. I purposely scaled it back by 30 seconds in the second mile because I knew I would need all the power I could muster in the last mile. I came in at a personal best!!!!!!!!!!!!! After brunch and a change of clothes, I headed out on my bike for an 18 mile training ride. I have a new seat (saddle) and new pedals with toe clips. I wanted to have a chance to try them out and get used to them. Since my hubby would be leaving later that day, it was the perfect time to do this ride. He dropped me off at the start and looped around twice to check in on me. Then he was waiting at the top of the last series of the hardest hills (again on the back stretch!). Once I gave him the thumbs up we went to the finish line to wait for me. I don't mind riding alone. But I was trying out new equipment and the area I was in was secluded enough that I didn't have to worry about traffic, which means I was also isolated enough that if someone wanted to be a problem the opportunity was there. It's time for me to hit the gym! This is the gift I give myself! This is the gift I give to my loved ones! I do this not only because I love the results, but I love the active lifestyle I am living and I want the pleasure of enjoy many more years of pictures like these! I want to have fun with my friends and my family. Be brave, be bold, be fierce and be fabulous!!!!

<a href="http://clk.atdmt.com/APM/go/265276560/direct;wi.300;hi.250/01/8278359" target="_blank"><img src="http://view.atdmt.com/APM/view/265276560/direct;wi.300;hi.250/01/8278359"/></a><noscript><a href="http://clk.atdmt.com/APM/go/265276560/direct;wi.300;hi.250/01/8278359" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://view.atdmt.com/APM/view/265276560/direct;wi.300;hi.250/01/8278359" /></a></noscript> SparkPeople advertisers help keep the site free! Learn more Other Entries by CAROLYN1213 The Value of Being - 7/2/2011 10 Reasons Not to Eat Clean or Exercise - 6/27/2011 It Requires Focus - 6/24/2011 What Doesn't Kill Me . . . - 6/21/2011 View All Entries Subscribe for Blog updates from CAROLYN1213: By RSS:

The Value of Being

I truly am blessed. Not that anyone else is any less blessed that I am, but I truly value the blessings that I have received. I am blessed to have good health. I am blessed to have wonderful friends. I am blessed to enjoy an active lifestyle with those friends. I am blessed by the gorgeous weather we are having in Virginia during my visit. It has been amazing! I could list 25 blessings without a problem, 50 with some thought.

In this week I have gone bowling with friends from high school.


Went to the studio of my first and favorite yogini (Jennifer, on the left).

Debbie (on the right) and I had the blessing of being led through a very divine yoga session. It is always divine with Jennifer. We later had lunch together and went to the pool. I shared with her my hopes, dreams and wishes. She affirmed everything I knew to be true and just helped solidify my path.

Earlier that morning I had met up with a dear friend, Maria, for a five mile run. We talked the whole way!!! I have missed her. We have a lot of the same interests and philosophies about health and fitness. The only thing I regret is that I did not take a picture of us after the run! I am meeting her again this week to run, so I will be sure to get one then.

On Thursday I met up with Amy (Fitchick75) to do a bike ride on the W & OD trail. Little did I know that we would end up riding 28 miles. The first 14 were a piece of cake. They were on the down hill grade. By mile 22 or 24 I was whimpering and having to stand up on the pedals to crank it up the steeper grade. My thigh muscle, right at the attachment at the top of my kneecap was killing me. I should mention that I have only started riding again recently and my long ride was 10 miles last week. We had delightful weather and great conversation.

I was starving after our bike ride and had seen a Mediterranean Restaurant on my way to the bike trail. It was a good call! The food was delicious and the weather was so delightful, we ate on the patio. Sorry, I can't find the picture I took of my salmon platter (yes, she is still eating fish!).

Yesterday I was blessed to have the opportunity to meet up with some of the gals from our Fabulous Fitness Facebook group. Carla, Lisa and Amy all live in the area of the park we met at (well, within a 40 min drive). Tiffany made the longest trip, she traveled four hours!!!! Wow! I love her commitment, not only to her health, but to her community of support. Building these networks of support, encouragement, inspiration and motivation are vital to long term success. If you are not currently building that network, I encourage you to plug into one that supports the new lifestyle you are building, otherwise you are just dieting and it will be hard to sustain.

Tiffany, Lisa, Amy, Carolyn and Carla (sorry, I don't have everyone's 'stage' names memorized!)
We started off with a time of yoga, as peaceful as one can accomplish in a very busy park with vehicles whizzing by. It felt good to share something that I enjoy with others. We then enjoyed a packed lunch together. During one of our health/fitness/wellness chats I was sharing with the ladies the value of knowing that you are precious and loved without having to be perfect or DO anything. Right on cue as if I had paid them, these two little boys came over to the table and said "He wants you to know you are beautiful". I was in such shock all I could do was smile with delight at how precious they were. . . . 5 year old boys with a playground full of friends came over to address a table of women (30's - 40's). How very precious is that?!!!

After our three hours together, it was hard to want to leave. I just wanted to spend time with each one individually to get to know them better and help them in any area they may need support or encouragement. However, I did have a schedule that day and needed to respect the schedules of others I had made a commitment to. So, we said our good byes and gave hugs.

I followed Amy to her gym where I promised her an hour of torture . . . I mean love! I wanted to share with her some of my favorite lower body workout plans. I will share some of those gym pictures in another blog. But here is a shot of us before the meet up in the park.

We take one photo each time we get together for a workout, this is our third and personally my favorite photo of us.

To cap off this fabulous day, I met up with a friends from high school to do some hiking and boulder climbing on the Appalachian Trail. I would call it hiking, but you might think we were just walking on a path . . . I promise you this was a workout! A very enjoyable one, we had to pay attention to every foot placement. I have no picture of us together at this time. But I do love a lovely picture of the view.


The time has been full and fabulous. I love my family and my friends. I am so blessed to have the health and strength to enjoy this fabulous lifestyle and to have made friends to enjoy it with. Mostly, I am blessed to know the value of these things and for that I am grateful that I was 267 lbs and had very high blood pressure. Had I not known such great pain, discomfort and sadness in my soul, I am pretty sure I would not delighting so greatly in being me at this time.