Saturday, April 3, 2010
Journey of Discovery
There is no way I could begin to express all that has transpired in my life in the past 10 months. Wow! Only ten months? Really? I feel like a whole new woman, how could that be in just 10 months.
Ten months ago I was depressed, over weight, hopeless, had plantar faciitis, and thought all my best days were nothing more than memories and photographs from the past. I had developed a persistent cough that was tearing up the lining of my throat and was having some pretty severe acid reflux at night that was making me miserable. At my doctors appointment, I found out that the cough was a reaction to my blood pressure meds, the acid reflux was due to weight gain and dietary choices and . . . . she said "You are depressed. Would you like a mild anti-depressant?" I started to cry. I realized I was stressed and depressed, but to have someone else realize it and say it out loud.
How did I allow myself to get in such a condition? I am smarter than that. I have studied Anatomy and Physiology and Exercise Kineseology. I have a certification in Aerobics Instruction (from my former life!) and am a Yoga Instructor. I know better. I know how to honor my body and how it was created to move. Who have I become? Why?
I assured my doctor that I knew what needed to be done and would take the steps to move in the right direction. Since depression and mental health issues are a prevalent issue in my family and I have struggled with bulimia for 28 years, I know better than to be irresponsible about depression issues. I asked my doctor to schedule a recheck with me for three months and assured her that I would call her if I felt things were spiraling in the wrong direction. She was very supportive and I was reassured. I did not take an anti-depressant, this time, but I knew I could get that help if I needed it.
Long story short. I spent a lot of time soul searching, crying and getting to the root of these repeated patterns of self destruction and abuse in my life. I realized I had become quite lost. I had forgotten how to live a life full of passion. I had forgotten to take time to care for myself.
It would be hard for me to describe in words what my light bulb moment was like. It was beautiful beyond words. When I saw in fullness what I was created for and the joy I felt in my heart, I knew then and there I never wanted to be any less than the wonderful girl I was meant to be. Full. Full of joy. Full of passion. Full of love.
I no longer looked at my weight as a point of shame, guilt or anger. I saw myself with the compassion and love that you would give to a child or a friend who was hurting. I saw that the feelings of guilt, shame and anger had kept me in bondage for most, if not all of my adult life. I am stronger than that. I know better now.
In the place of feelings of guilt for eating poorly, I placed passion for whole clean foods. Even when I choose to indulge, I do not feeling guilty.
In the place of shameful feeling about the stretch marks and damage I have caused my body by being overweight and sedentary, I placed joy. Joy that I have a body that moves and delights in being active. I love feeling like a kid! I play basketball, ride my bike and have a skip in my heart at all times.
In the place of anger over the events of my life that hurt me and scarred me deeply, I placed love. Love for myself for being a survivor. Love for God who is my protector and provider. Love for my husband who has been there for me even when I was an emotional mess.
On this journey I have discovered a lot!
I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I can set goals! I can accomplish them!
My best days are not behind me! There are still great things to be done!
I like the sassy kick-butt girl I am!
I like to sweat! I like exercise! I love the way my body feels!
I still have great curves! And my husband likes them! A lot!
I have so much joy and laughter in my everyday life!
Today I will go to the doctor for my annual physical. She has not seen me in the past 6 months. I know she will be pleased. I know I am. I'm hoping to hear her say that I am healthy and strong and no longer need blood pressure medication.
In this journey of discovery I feel a little like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. I never knew what I always had. The secret was here, inside of me, all along. All I had to do was choose to change my perception.
And no one has the power to take that away from me !