Lest you think I am somehow above temptation or that I have some kind of never ending source of energy . . . I, too have my moments. Maybe you can relate to this moment.
Yesterday at work I was feeling a little tired and run down after my yoga class. I had my lunch and later my afternoon snack . . . but I just felt so tired and my head was foggy feeling and I had just the slightest twinge in the back of my ribs that had be concerned that I might be developing pleurisy again (I have had it three times in the past two years).
At 4:15 I started getting the desire for a Cherry Pepsi. Now this is just odd, because I have never been a soda drinker at any time in my life. A soda a week would be a lot for me. the last time I had a soda of any kind was the day of my marathon, November 13, 2010. So, I started thinking, there must be a reason I NEED a soda. Is it the sugar? Are my carbs too low today? A quick check of my carbs tells me, no, it is a higher carb day, I should be fine.
So, I decided that I will just drink some water and put off the NEED for a while to see what happens. Well, the NEED for a soda added a DESIRE for Ruffles and french onion dip. WHAT?!!! Why? I could not even tell you when the last time was that I had either on of those items. But they were on of my favorite binge items to torture myself with back at the height of my eating disorder days.
So, it is settled. I will 'allow' myself to have the Cherry soda . . . I don't really do sugar and I don't do 'diet' anything because of artificial sweeteners. Of the two I take real sugar. I go to the break room and pull a regular Cherry Pepsi out of the fridge and look at the label. WHAT!!!!! 160 calories!!!! I don't think so. I am not drinking 160 empty calories. There are nutritious foods I cuold be eating that have less calories than that! Then I pull out the 'diet' version, ) calories. I squeeze my eye shuts and pretend not to see the list of ingredients.
As I am driving to town, sipping my soda, I start thinking about the chips again. Maybe instead of Ruffles and dip, I could just stop at the convenience store and get a small bag of Sunchips. Could I do that? Could I walk in the store and just get the Sunchips? I'm not feeling my resolve is that strong today, the Combos are right beside the Sunchips and I haven't had Combos since the marathon.
Okay, okay, I don't need the Sunchips or the Combos. I will go in the store and just pick up a pack of sugar free gum. That is what I will do. I can do that. I can make wiser choices, I am strong enough to do this. I don't have to cave and crumble. I have made awesome choices all month and have amazing results for those choices. Surely I am strong enough to ...
....just drive past the convenience store girl. You got bigger goals than getting a little 'fix'. Dinner will be ready when you get home. Tilapia, steamed veggies and a sweet potato.
...you don't want to feel bloated. You are at a good weight and a good calorie deficit for the day. You have stayed on track and only have 42 more days in this countdown. You have walked away from food MUCH more tempting than chips, dip or combos....really. How amazing will it feel to slip on that little size 10 dress on the day of your son's wedding and have it fit perfectly? Better than eating chips? Better than eating combos? Which is harder doing a pull up or over coming this temptation? You know what hard work feels like, this should not even be hard. Which will get me close to my goal?
Nope, I don't wear a cape and I do not have super hero strength....but I am exercising my better judgment to overcome temptations that do not serve even on of my purposes or goals.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sexy Breakfast That Heals
I love food. Good food. Food that not only nourishes my body and fuels my workouts, but food that nurtures my soul. Today I am recovering from a little bit of a head cold and my body just needed certain nutrients and I listen to that and honor that. One of the foods a body needs to heal is carbs. And because I am feeling a little puny I have a desire for 'comfort' foods. I want to honor that feeling without violating what I know to be healthy nutritious eating. So, I wanted to have something that would 'stick to my ribs' you know those starchy substantial foods. I usually have steel cut oats in the morning. But this morning I selected a mix of grains I had made over the weekend. It is a mix of whole wheat cous cous, bulgar wheat, and red quinoa. Morning is a good time for me to have those higher carb meals.
I sauteed up some sliced portabella mushrooms, green onions, asparagus and fresh spinach. Then I tossed in the grain mixture to warm it up.
After the grains and veggies were warm and delicious looking, I scooped them over into a bowl. Then I used the same skillet to fry up a couple egg whites and one whole egg. The egg was then placed on the top of the grain mixture in my breakfast bowl. I love this style of cooking. It really requires no salt or seasons. The texture, color and crunch of the veggies, the creaminess of the egg, just adds up to all kinds of yumminess.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup of cooked grain mixture (whole wheat cous cous, red quinoa, bulgar wheat)
1/2 cup of sliced portabella mushrooms
6 asparagus spears
3 green onions
2 egg whites
1 whole egg
Cals: 375
Fat: 9.8
Carbs: 47.5
Protein: 27.8
If you want to cut your carbs more on this one you could go for 1/4 cup of grain mixture. I probably over estimated how much of each grain was in the mix, so the carb level could be lower. It was delicous and I feel better already!
I sauteed up some sliced portabella mushrooms, green onions, asparagus and fresh spinach. Then I tossed in the grain mixture to warm it up.
After the grains and veggies were warm and delicious looking, I scooped them over into a bowl. Then I used the same skillet to fry up a couple egg whites and one whole egg. The egg was then placed on the top of the grain mixture in my breakfast bowl. I love this style of cooking. It really requires no salt or seasons. The texture, color and crunch of the veggies, the creaminess of the egg, just adds up to all kinds of yumminess.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup of cooked grain mixture (whole wheat cous cous, red quinoa, bulgar wheat)
1/2 cup of sliced portabella mushrooms
6 asparagus spears
3 green onions
2 egg whites
1 whole egg
Cals: 375
Fat: 9.8
Carbs: 47.5
Protein: 27.8
If you want to cut your carbs more on this one you could go for 1/4 cup of grain mixture. I probably over estimated how much of each grain was in the mix, so the carb level could be lower. It was delicous and I feel better already!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Burning the Candle and Melting the Fat!
Life has been a new level of crazy busy! This transition time that I am in right now is super tough. I'm still working full time as a secretary, teaching yoga during my lunch break, training a couple clients in the weight room, taking care of my own workout, study for my personal trainer certification AND try to remain in contact with the people who make my life fun to live and whom I love dearly. Most days I can do pretty good, but once or twice a week things just get a little piled up and threaten to pull me off track.
I remind myself to inhale fully, exhale completely, focus and absorb only this moment and this moment only. This, a cup of chamomile tea and a couple friends who remind me of why I am doing all that I am doing gets me through these moments. My hubby can be a great support, if I take the time to communicate to him what I need. He is home this week and was sweet enough to bring me a protein shake to work when I realized that I had miscalculated my caloric needs for the day and I was not going to be home after work.
So, there is the burning the candle at both ends, trying not to get stuck in the middle and scorched.
Melting the fat. I started this 12 week transformation program on January 1. I love my workouts! I was concerned that being my own trainer might slow my progress. Just the opposite is true. I love the workout program I have myself on and the fat is melting away! I'm lifting weights in a full body circuit of super sets three days a week, teaching yoga twice a week, doing High Intensity Interval Training (HiiT) twice a week on a cross trainer, and running twice a week. LOVE it! The circuit of super sets only takes me 35 minutes to complete and it is soooo effective! I made myself some spreadsheets using the excel program on my computer with the exercises for my workouts. I have a strength training workout A sheet and my strength training circuit for workout B sheet and I alternate between the two. I have the exercises listed on the left hand side of the chart. In the block beside it I write how many repetitions I do of the exercise and how many sets of those reps I do. I also put how heavy the weight is that I am using. I know this my seem elementary to some of you, but to others who have never worked out with a trainer or seen a training log, I want you to know that you can do this for yourself.
Each time I go in the gym I know exactly what I am there for. I have my workout written out and I write out my goals for each workout. Each time I go in the gym I either have to increase repetitions, increase the weight or challenge myself in some way to improve and grow.
Some of the changes that I can feel in day 18 of my transformation:
My pants are looser! In the thighs, in the butt, in the waist.
My face is looking thinner.
My complexion is amazing right now.
I am glowing with a radiant health that comes from eating well, exercising hard, sleeping and hydrating well.
A+ for compliance today! I'm proud of the consistency that I am building and the progress that I am seeing!
I remind myself to inhale fully, exhale completely, focus and absorb only this moment and this moment only. This, a cup of chamomile tea and a couple friends who remind me of why I am doing all that I am doing gets me through these moments. My hubby can be a great support, if I take the time to communicate to him what I need. He is home this week and was sweet enough to bring me a protein shake to work when I realized that I had miscalculated my caloric needs for the day and I was not going to be home after work.
So, there is the burning the candle at both ends, trying not to get stuck in the middle and scorched.
Melting the fat. I started this 12 week transformation program on January 1. I love my workouts! I was concerned that being my own trainer might slow my progress. Just the opposite is true. I love the workout program I have myself on and the fat is melting away! I'm lifting weights in a full body circuit of super sets three days a week, teaching yoga twice a week, doing High Intensity Interval Training (HiiT) twice a week on a cross trainer, and running twice a week. LOVE it! The circuit of super sets only takes me 35 minutes to complete and it is soooo effective! I made myself some spreadsheets using the excel program on my computer with the exercises for my workouts. I have a strength training workout A sheet and my strength training circuit for workout B sheet and I alternate between the two. I have the exercises listed on the left hand side of the chart. In the block beside it I write how many repetitions I do of the exercise and how many sets of those reps I do. I also put how heavy the weight is that I am using. I know this my seem elementary to some of you, but to others who have never worked out with a trainer or seen a training log, I want you to know that you can do this for yourself.
Each time I go in the gym I know exactly what I am there for. I have my workout written out and I write out my goals for each workout. Each time I go in the gym I either have to increase repetitions, increase the weight or challenge myself in some way to improve and grow.
Some of the changes that I can feel in day 18 of my transformation:
My pants are looser! In the thighs, in the butt, in the waist.
My face is looking thinner.
My complexion is amazing right now.
I am glowing with a radiant health that comes from eating well, exercising hard, sleeping and hydrating well.
A+ for compliance today! I'm proud of the consistency that I am building and the progress that I am seeing!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The Other Side of the Plate Glass Window
I am by nature a people person. I like to observe people, I like enter acting with people, I in general just like people. There are some people whose behavior I would rather not have to deal with, but I still want to know what makes that person tick. What 'story' have they heard or designed about who they are that causes them to interact with the world the way they do. Have you ever wondered these things.
This time of year can be hard on people who struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction or SAD (seasonal affected disorder). I have had years of depression where the pain was so palpable I couldn't sleep or function well. I would will myself to function at the highest degree possible, but it felt like auto pilot. No feelings involved. Just numb to feelings of joy or happiness. I remember in various situations wishing someone would hand me a script that would tell me how I was supposed to feel and what I should say to reflect the appropriate mood. It is impossible to radiate joy or have a joyful inflection in your voice when what you are feeling is sadness, pain, or compulsion.
The topic of depression is a serious topic for me and for the ones I love. We have either suffered with it ourselves or watched the ones we love the most writhe in pain from the affects. My own mother struggled so painfully with depression. As her daughter who has always been a bit of a Pollyanna, I was always trying to cheer her up, make her laugh, get her to see the 'bright side' of life. I felt like such a failure that I couldn't 'give' her the gift of joy or happiness. Holidays were the hardest for her as was her birthday.
We have lost some family members to suicide related to depression and several others who abuse alcohol and/or drugs to drown their pain. Me, I was the 'good girl' I ONLY used food addiction and binging as a way to numb pain, which in my mind at the time made me a better person because I was not inflicting pain on others . . . I was only killing myself.
I remember in years past trudging through the holiday shopping season rituals, but not feeling the moment or experiencing true joy. I would see people who looked happy, in love and joyful and wonder what that might feel like. What did they do in life that entitled them to that level of happiness. I would project on them the idea that they must live a charmed life, full of joy and that they got everything they ever wanted. In my sad or depressed moments I would think that only pretty people get what they want in life.
I understand feelings of depression. I have felt that in years past. This year, I am truly joyful. Even more joyful than I was last year. My birthday is next Monday and I will be 45 years old. I am super excited! Seriously, I don't need a script to tell me how amazing I feel. And have you ever noticed that when you feel good, you look good. On the days that I am feeling a little under the weather or coming down with something, the best make up artist and hair stylist couldn't make me look good. But on the days I feel good, the joy just radiates out and it doesn't take much to make me smile and glow. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and spread it like Pixie Dust all over the people I love.
On Saturday, I was sitting in one of those trendy bistros with walls of plate glass looking out onto the plaza as shoppers walked by. I would see women of all shapes and sizes moving in groups or alone as they made their way through their Christmas to do list. Women who walked tall and confident with a little smile like they knew a secret. Women who trudge by looking like it took every once of effort they possessed just to move their feet, with a dead look in their eyes. Women who had a little skip in their step that just reflect a joy from the heart. Woman who looked stern, angry and just fed up with the whole thing.
As I sat there cozyed up to my husband, feeling radiant and loved, feeling whole and blessed, feeling joyful . . . . I could see a bit of me (from years past) in every woman's face and posture. And I wondered if she knew how good it felt to be on the other side of that plate glass window.
There are better days. Depression does not define you. There is hope for a brighter day. These are the best days of my life and it didn't start until I was 43 . . . I'm glad I didn't give up on life before I got a chance to experience what it feels like on the other side of the plate glass window. I wouldn't want to miss this. This is the good stuff and it makes all the not so good stuff pale into a distant memory.
Be blessed, be you!
Reach out if you need help dealing with depression, anxiety or addiction.
There is a life line and you may need to hold on for dear life for a while, but life is precious, don't let go
This time of year can be hard on people who struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction or SAD (seasonal affected disorder). I have had years of depression where the pain was so palpable I couldn't sleep or function well. I would will myself to function at the highest degree possible, but it felt like auto pilot. No feelings involved. Just numb to feelings of joy or happiness. I remember in various situations wishing someone would hand me a script that would tell me how I was supposed to feel and what I should say to reflect the appropriate mood. It is impossible to radiate joy or have a joyful inflection in your voice when what you are feeling is sadness, pain, or compulsion.
The topic of depression is a serious topic for me and for the ones I love. We have either suffered with it ourselves or watched the ones we love the most writhe in pain from the affects. My own mother struggled so painfully with depression. As her daughter who has always been a bit of a Pollyanna, I was always trying to cheer her up, make her laugh, get her to see the 'bright side' of life. I felt like such a failure that I couldn't 'give' her the gift of joy or happiness. Holidays were the hardest for her as was her birthday.
We have lost some family members to suicide related to depression and several others who abuse alcohol and/or drugs to drown their pain. Me, I was the 'good girl' I ONLY used food addiction and binging as a way to numb pain, which in my mind at the time made me a better person because I was not inflicting pain on others . . . I was only killing myself.
I remember in years past trudging through the holiday shopping season rituals, but not feeling the moment or experiencing true joy. I would see people who looked happy, in love and joyful and wonder what that might feel like. What did they do in life that entitled them to that level of happiness. I would project on them the idea that they must live a charmed life, full of joy and that they got everything they ever wanted. In my sad or depressed moments I would think that only pretty people get what they want in life.
I understand feelings of depression. I have felt that in years past. This year, I am truly joyful. Even more joyful than I was last year. My birthday is next Monday and I will be 45 years old. I am super excited! Seriously, I don't need a script to tell me how amazing I feel. And have you ever noticed that when you feel good, you look good. On the days that I am feeling a little under the weather or coming down with something, the best make up artist and hair stylist couldn't make me look good. But on the days I feel good, the joy just radiates out and it doesn't take much to make me smile and glow. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and spread it like Pixie Dust all over the people I love.
On Saturday, I was sitting in one of those trendy bistros with walls of plate glass looking out onto the plaza as shoppers walked by. I would see women of all shapes and sizes moving in groups or alone as they made their way through their Christmas to do list. Women who walked tall and confident with a little smile like they knew a secret. Women who trudge by looking like it took every once of effort they possessed just to move their feet, with a dead look in their eyes. Women who had a little skip in their step that just reflect a joy from the heart. Woman who looked stern, angry and just fed up with the whole thing.
As I sat there cozyed up to my husband, feeling radiant and loved, feeling whole and blessed, feeling joyful . . . . I could see a bit of me (from years past) in every woman's face and posture. And I wondered if she knew how good it felt to be on the other side of that plate glass window.
There are better days. Depression does not define you. There is hope for a brighter day. These are the best days of my life and it didn't start until I was 43 . . . I'm glad I didn't give up on life before I got a chance to experience what it feels like on the other side of the plate glass window. I wouldn't want to miss this. This is the good stuff and it makes all the not so good stuff pale into a distant memory.
Be blessed, be you!
Reach out if you need help dealing with depression, anxiety or addiction.
There is a life line and you may need to hold on for dear life for a while, but life is precious, don't let go
Friday, November 5, 2010
Taming Your Inner Toddler (Emotional Eating Tantrums)
I know, I know, I know . . . I'm just meddling now! Some of you only know me as the Carolyn who has lost over 100 lbs., seemingly drinking some magical potion that transformed me over night. You who weren't here to see the mess of scars and wounds that I came crawling into this website with. You may think "What could she possibly know about emotional eating" . . . well, she knows plenty.
I won't bore you with the details, but here is my short list of reasons (excuses) for emotional eating from my past: alcohol in my family, domestic violence, mental health issues, sexual molestation, son diagnosed with chronic kidney failure at age 4, miscarried a baby, losing family members to suicide, chronic depression and self loathing. This all combined into a lethal cocktail called bulimia.
Believe me, I know. I know the intentions of doing the 'right' thing and then ending up with an empty doughnut box in front of me. I know the self loathing of 'never getting it right'. I know the emotional pain that is so paralyzing that you will do anything to escape it, and turn to food to numb the pain. I know these things. I have felt these things.
BUT, there comes a time (mine was about 17 months ago), when you say enough is enough. Pain from the past can only follow me into the future if *EYE* bring them! Emotions and Food have nothing to do with each other. Emotions are feelings. Food is fuel. Why am I using fuel to medicate or numb an emotional issue?
If I could take a little creative license, think of your emotions (feelings) as toddlers and YOU (your higher intelligence, reasoning and rationale) are the adult in charge of their well being. Does a toddler know what is in it's best interested? Does a toddler get what it wants when it wants it? Does a toddler make the rules? NO!
So, why give in to the tantrums of a toddler when it comes to emotional eating?!? Why? I am blessed. I feel healed and whole for the first time in my life. I do not have the compulsion to binge, deprive or in other ways allow my feelings to manipulate what choices *EYE* (the adult) make for my health and well being.
I hear it every day from friends and people on my Fabulous Fitness facebook page . . . "It has been such a bad day, I'm stressed out, my eating is horrible" WHAT? WHAT? How does that sentence even make logical sense? Logically. Look at that sentence. It should read "It has been such a bad day (period). I am stressed (period). Those are feelings. Leave them in the feelings department. Do not choose to drag them kicking and screaming into the fueling department. They are already misbehaving! Don't give them more power! CHOOSE. YOU are the adult. A tantrum cannot manipulate you into following the will of a toddler. Even if those little toddlers are screaming "You've already made three bad choices today, just call the whole day a wash and give in." NO!!!! Make your next choice, this one, right now, the right choice for YOUR health and well being . . . because YOU are the adult . . .
. . . and YOU deserve it!
. . . tough love baby . . . .
. . . . now be a good girl and play nice . . ..
Live beautifully! Treat yourself well!
I won't bore you with the details, but here is my short list of reasons (excuses) for emotional eating from my past: alcohol in my family, domestic violence, mental health issues, sexual molestation, son diagnosed with chronic kidney failure at age 4, miscarried a baby, losing family members to suicide, chronic depression and self loathing. This all combined into a lethal cocktail called bulimia.
Believe me, I know. I know the intentions of doing the 'right' thing and then ending up with an empty doughnut box in front of me. I know the self loathing of 'never getting it right'. I know the emotional pain that is so paralyzing that you will do anything to escape it, and turn to food to numb the pain. I know these things. I have felt these things.
BUT, there comes a time (mine was about 17 months ago), when you say enough is enough. Pain from the past can only follow me into the future if *EYE* bring them! Emotions and Food have nothing to do with each other. Emotions are feelings. Food is fuel. Why am I using fuel to medicate or numb an emotional issue?
If I could take a little creative license, think of your emotions (feelings) as toddlers and YOU (your higher intelligence, reasoning and rationale) are the adult in charge of their well being. Does a toddler know what is in it's best interested? Does a toddler get what it wants when it wants it? Does a toddler make the rules? NO!
So, why give in to the tantrums of a toddler when it comes to emotional eating?!? Why? I am blessed. I feel healed and whole for the first time in my life. I do not have the compulsion to binge, deprive or in other ways allow my feelings to manipulate what choices *EYE* (the adult) make for my health and well being.
I hear it every day from friends and people on my Fabulous Fitness facebook page . . . "It has been such a bad day, I'm stressed out, my eating is horrible" WHAT? WHAT? How does that sentence even make logical sense? Logically. Look at that sentence. It should read "It has been such a bad day (period). I am stressed (period). Those are feelings. Leave them in the feelings department. Do not choose to drag them kicking and screaming into the fueling department. They are already misbehaving! Don't give them more power! CHOOSE. YOU are the adult. A tantrum cannot manipulate you into following the will of a toddler. Even if those little toddlers are screaming "You've already made three bad choices today, just call the whole day a wash and give in." NO!!!! Make your next choice, this one, right now, the right choice for YOUR health and well being . . . because YOU are the adult . . .
. . . and YOU deserve it!
. . . tough love baby . . . .
. . . . now be a good girl and play nice . . ..
Live beautifully! Treat yourself well!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I Almost Missed Out!
During this journey to health and fitness over the past 17 months, I have made little changes along they way that have lead to huge transformations in my body, mind and spirit. On the one hand I can hardly believe it has been that long. On the other hand my life is so drastically different I can barely recognize the person I once was and have no desire to return to that lifestyle. I truly don't. I don't miss junk food. I don't miss fried foods. I don't miss high blood pressure. I don't miss feeling lethargic. I don't miss feeling bloated. I don't miss feeling misunderstood or rejected. I don't miss these things at all. But I almost missed out on a couple really fabulous things.
I almost missed out on sharing this journey with some wonderful friends who have surrounded me with a kind of love and support I could not have even imagined. Friends who believed in me far before I even knew who 'me' was. Friends who loved me even when I whining and making excuses for why I was overweight and unhealthy. Friends who cried with me as I learned to unravel some painful events from my past that I had allowed to hold me in a bondage to some pretty stinkin' thinkin'. That bondage included some self abusive behaviors, including bulimia. I almost missed out on what it feels like to have the power to make choices in my own best interest . . . for me, by me, because it is the right thing to do.
I almost missed out on getting to know myself. I know that may sound odd. I am 44 and at the age of 43 I had my wake up moment where 'it' was no longer about being a daughter, a mother, a wife, a teacher, a homemaker, a friend or a neighbor. 'IT' was about time to get to know who I was created to BE . . . not do or what did I have to offer others. This involved getting to know getting past all the misconceptions I had heard through the years about what I was 'supposed' to be, do, say, feel, act like, etc. If no one was around and I could do anything, be anything, feel anything . . . what would that look like? Well, I will tell you that it looks beautiful and feels divine. I now smile all the time and have a hard time not laughing out loud several times each day. The simplest things in life are just so yummy to me now. I was deliriously happy the other day just riding to the coffee shop with my husband. The sun was shining in the sunroof of our old beat up '86 Probe . . . but life is good, I feel good, I feel happy, I feel loved, I am in love. That's it . . . I now know how to love and to be loved, and it feels splendid.
I almost missed out on how amazing it feels to wake up early on a Saturday morning and go out for a long run on a crisp fall day. A long run . . . me . . . on a run! Who ever would have thought? Now that I am in the taper for my marathon, this long run was only 9 miles (only, ha!) It felt so easy. I wanted to run another 3 - 4 miles just to continue how good it felt. Just a little over a year ago I started the Couch to 5K program. This is my first full year of running and I'm going to finish a marathon in less than 2 weeks from now. I almost missed out on this because of my preconceived ideas about what a runner was and what I was not. My aha moment came when my health was so bad that I could barely walk and I realized that it didn't matter how many friends I had, how many doctors I went to, how much money I had (or had not), how many people loved me . . . none of that mattered, if I didn't learn to love myself and take care of myself. Then I no longer worried what others thought if they saw a 240 lb woman in the weight room or running down the road. It didn't matter to me. I mattered to me. What I thought about me mattered. And what I thought was "Good for you girl! That was hard work and you did it! Good for you!"
I almost missed out on relearning that I truly do love being physically active. I love to sweat. I love to be outside. I love playing basketball in my driveway, riding my bike, running, tennis, hiking, etc. I love going to the gym and lifting weights and feeling my body get stronger. I am so glad to have the opportunity to be back on the mat teaching yoga and helping other women learn to appreciate and care for their bodies and health. It feels good, it feels right and it makes me smile.
The most important thing I almost missed out on is love. I had spent so much of my life guarding my heart in an effort to never be hurt like that again . . . that I did not know how to receive love. I wanted to be loved. I fretted over what was wrong with me that others didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. I had no problem giving love, but did not know how to safely receive the love that I so desired in my life. A love that allows you to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. A love that protects you and frees you simultaneously. A love that feels like a warm cozy home. Then, suddenly, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I realized I had had that all along . . . I just didn't know how to experience it. Once my perception of myself and others changed, everything came suddenly into focus and I was standing in the middle of the most beautiful life I could ever dream. And it's mine.
I almost missed out on sharing this journey with some wonderful friends who have surrounded me with a kind of love and support I could not have even imagined. Friends who believed in me far before I even knew who 'me' was. Friends who loved me even when I whining and making excuses for why I was overweight and unhealthy. Friends who cried with me as I learned to unravel some painful events from my past that I had allowed to hold me in a bondage to some pretty stinkin' thinkin'. That bondage included some self abusive behaviors, including bulimia. I almost missed out on what it feels like to have the power to make choices in my own best interest . . . for me, by me, because it is the right thing to do.
I almost missed out on getting to know myself. I know that may sound odd. I am 44 and at the age of 43 I had my wake up moment where 'it' was no longer about being a daughter, a mother, a wife, a teacher, a homemaker, a friend or a neighbor. 'IT' was about time to get to know who I was created to BE . . . not do or what did I have to offer others. This involved getting to know getting past all the misconceptions I had heard through the years about what I was 'supposed' to be, do, say, feel, act like, etc. If no one was around and I could do anything, be anything, feel anything . . . what would that look like? Well, I will tell you that it looks beautiful and feels divine. I now smile all the time and have a hard time not laughing out loud several times each day. The simplest things in life are just so yummy to me now. I was deliriously happy the other day just riding to the coffee shop with my husband. The sun was shining in the sunroof of our old beat up '86 Probe . . . but life is good, I feel good, I feel happy, I feel loved, I am in love. That's it . . . I now know how to love and to be loved, and it feels splendid.
I almost missed out on how amazing it feels to wake up early on a Saturday morning and go out for a long run on a crisp fall day. A long run . . . me . . . on a run! Who ever would have thought? Now that I am in the taper for my marathon, this long run was only 9 miles (only, ha!) It felt so easy. I wanted to run another 3 - 4 miles just to continue how good it felt. Just a little over a year ago I started the Couch to 5K program. This is my first full year of running and I'm going to finish a marathon in less than 2 weeks from now. I almost missed out on this because of my preconceived ideas about what a runner was and what I was not. My aha moment came when my health was so bad that I could barely walk and I realized that it didn't matter how many friends I had, how many doctors I went to, how much money I had (or had not), how many people loved me . . . none of that mattered, if I didn't learn to love myself and take care of myself. Then I no longer worried what others thought if they saw a 240 lb woman in the weight room or running down the road. It didn't matter to me. I mattered to me. What I thought about me mattered. And what I thought was "Good for you girl! That was hard work and you did it! Good for you!"
I almost missed out on relearning that I truly do love being physically active. I love to sweat. I love to be outside. I love playing basketball in my driveway, riding my bike, running, tennis, hiking, etc. I love going to the gym and lifting weights and feeling my body get stronger. I am so glad to have the opportunity to be back on the mat teaching yoga and helping other women learn to appreciate and care for their bodies and health. It feels good, it feels right and it makes me smile.
The most important thing I almost missed out on is love. I had spent so much of my life guarding my heart in an effort to never be hurt like that again . . . that I did not know how to receive love. I wanted to be loved. I fretted over what was wrong with me that others didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. I had no problem giving love, but did not know how to safely receive the love that I so desired in my life. A love that allows you to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. A love that protects you and frees you simultaneously. A love that feels like a warm cozy home. Then, suddenly, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I realized I had had that all along . . . I just didn't know how to experience it. Once my perception of myself and others changed, everything came suddenly into focus and I was standing in the middle of the most beautiful life I could ever dream. And it's mine.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Reality Check
This is me stepping up onto my soapbox, for a moment. I don't know how many of you watch The Biggest Loser or have watched someone you love get so unhealthy that it hurt to watch them. Or maybe that unhealthy person is you. I don't know what your situation is at this time in your life or the decisions you made that you got you there. I don't know the obstacles, struggles or limitations there may be to you feeling like you can succeed. I don't know.
What I do know is that health is worth working for, it is worth fighting for and YOU are worth any and all the effort it may take. You cannot buy good health. No one can give you good health. Your health 'insurance' cannot promise you health. YOU . . . the choices you make. You . . . the power you take. YOU . . . cannot be stopped once YOU know what needs to be done and you do it.
Short story . . . at 43, my blood pressure was sooooo high and my weight was soooo out of control, my doctors thought I had a heart attack or a stroke. My body was inflamed and bloated. It hurt to walk. It hurt to stand. I just plain hurt. I was on medication to lower my blood pressure and another medication for GERD (acid reflux). I am not stupid . . . these are health problems brought on by an unhealthy lifestyle. I did not 'get' high blood pressure . . . I cultivated it! I did not 'get' GERD . . . I was feeding it! Some of my medications were causing some side effects that would require a third medication! I am not a human petri dish! I am not a chemical experiment. WHY was I doing this to myself. I was making myself medically dependent for my 'quality' of life. My calendar looked like an old persons calendar . . .doctor appointments, tests, procedures, physical therapy, etc. That is not living. Scientifically, things move from a position of order (or health) to disorder (unhealthy). Intelligent reasoning would suggest that if I was that unhealthy at 43, I would continue to digress and deteriorate becoming more and more dependent on the medical community for my 'health'. Really??? At 43? My best days were already behind me?
Over the next couple months I began changing the choices I was making about my health. Instead of looking to doctors to see what the 'prescribed', I learned to trust my common sense about what I knew was healthy. I KNOW what a healthy diet looks like. And so do you. You aren't crazy. You know that fast food and soda pop are not doing a thing to make you healthy. I KNOW what a healthy active lifestyle looks like. And so do you. We have this information. We have to choose to use it. We are far wiser than we choose to acknowledge. You do not need a doctor to tell you that you need to lose weight! You do not need a doctor to tell you that your blood pressure is too high. You do not need a doctor to tell you that eating saturated fats is clogging your arteries! You KNOW these things!!! Only YOU can make the choice to change the behaviors that are deteriorating your health and your quality of life.
You are my friends and I love you. You have supported me. You have encouraged me. Many of you taught me how to love myself and to be open to possibilities. You have watched me grow in love and in spirit. You have watched me lose over 100 pounds. You cheer for me. You celebrate with me. I am sooo blessed to have you in my life. Now, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth it!!! Cheer for YOU! Stop watching me from the sideline, come join me in the healthiest life ever!
I promise you, it is beautiful! It feels good! I want you with me! I want to grow old with you! A healthy life gives you a zest for life and I want to share all those zesty years living life wide open . . . not visiting you in the hospital.
(Humbly stepping down off my soapbox)
What I do know is that health is worth working for, it is worth fighting for and YOU are worth any and all the effort it may take. You cannot buy good health. No one can give you good health. Your health 'insurance' cannot promise you health. YOU . . . the choices you make. You . . . the power you take. YOU . . . cannot be stopped once YOU know what needs to be done and you do it.
Short story . . . at 43, my blood pressure was sooooo high and my weight was soooo out of control, my doctors thought I had a heart attack or a stroke. My body was inflamed and bloated. It hurt to walk. It hurt to stand. I just plain hurt. I was on medication to lower my blood pressure and another medication for GERD (acid reflux). I am not stupid . . . these are health problems brought on by an unhealthy lifestyle. I did not 'get' high blood pressure . . . I cultivated it! I did not 'get' GERD . . . I was feeding it! Some of my medications were causing some side effects that would require a third medication! I am not a human petri dish! I am not a chemical experiment. WHY was I doing this to myself. I was making myself medically dependent for my 'quality' of life. My calendar looked like an old persons calendar . . .doctor appointments, tests, procedures, physical therapy, etc. That is not living. Scientifically, things move from a position of order (or health) to disorder (unhealthy). Intelligent reasoning would suggest that if I was that unhealthy at 43, I would continue to digress and deteriorate becoming more and more dependent on the medical community for my 'health'. Really??? At 43? My best days were already behind me?
Over the next couple months I began changing the choices I was making about my health. Instead of looking to doctors to see what the 'prescribed', I learned to trust my common sense about what I knew was healthy. I KNOW what a healthy diet looks like. And so do you. You aren't crazy. You know that fast food and soda pop are not doing a thing to make you healthy. I KNOW what a healthy active lifestyle looks like. And so do you. We have this information. We have to choose to use it. We are far wiser than we choose to acknowledge. You do not need a doctor to tell you that you need to lose weight! You do not need a doctor to tell you that your blood pressure is too high. You do not need a doctor to tell you that eating saturated fats is clogging your arteries! You KNOW these things!!! Only YOU can make the choice to change the behaviors that are deteriorating your health and your quality of life.
You are my friends and I love you. You have supported me. You have encouraged me. Many of you taught me how to love myself and to be open to possibilities. You have watched me grow in love and in spirit. You have watched me lose over 100 pounds. You cheer for me. You celebrate with me. I am sooo blessed to have you in my life. Now, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth it!!! Cheer for YOU! Stop watching me from the sideline, come join me in the healthiest life ever!
I promise you, it is beautiful! It feels good! I want you with me! I want to grow old with you! A healthy life gives you a zest for life and I want to share all those zesty years living life wide open . . . not visiting you in the hospital.
(Humbly stepping down off my soapbox)
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